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UK Government threatens to bomb the Greenland Icecap

In recent years it has become fashionable for governments to declare war on things that simply cannot be defeated.  First we had the “War on Want” (i.e. poverty).  Then came the “War on Drugs”.  And in 2001 we had the start of the “War on Terror”.  In each case, the UK government has been late in the game, allowing the USA to take the lead – perhaps making up for their tardiness in coming to the aid of Britain and France in two world wars.  But now it appears that the UK government has decided to get ahead of the game in the next war – the “War on Climate”.

That’s right, while the rest of the world’s leaders are preening around the COP 21 conference in Paris, making misguided pinko-liberal attempts to reduce carbon emissions, only the UK government seems to prepared to stand up to the environmental blackmail perpetrated by the climate.  As sources close to the Prime Minister point out:

“For several decades now, this ‘climate’ has been trying to hold the world hostage; trying to force us to abandon the way of life that we hold dear.  Well now we say ‘enough is enough’.  We are not prepared to abandon the values that we hold dear – values like inherited wealth, corporate monopolies, criminal money laundering, gross inequality, and state handouts for everyone except the poor – just because the climate threatens to change.

“British history tells us that the only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to him.  Unfortunately, for the past five years when we were in coalition, we were obliged to go along with the appeasers in the Liberal Democrat party, who were hell-bent on forcing us to adopt some kind of egalitarian eco-economy built around windmills, solar panels and tidal lagoons.  Just the sort of things that would have had Hitler’s Stormtroopers marching through Trafalgar Square in 1940 had Mr Churchill not stood up against them.”

Asked about what practical actions the UK government was taking in this opening phase of the “War on Climate”, the government source set out 5 approaches that have been put into place:

  1. Abolishing the green deal and subsidies for renewable energy
  2. Giving local NIMBYs (particularly those in the Tory Shires) a veto over the development of wind farms
  3. Giving ministers the absolute power to approve fracking applications for companies that they and their Old Etonian chums have a stake in.
  4. Removing the subsidies for developing carbon capture and storage technologies
  5. Cancelling new renewable energy projects while approving a plan to build 25 new gas-fired power stations just to make sure that there is absolutely no chance of the UK meeting the EU emissions targets that previous governments had committed to.

We also learned today that the government has decided to adopt a scheme similar to the Green Deal in which customers’ bills included a top-up subsidy for green energy generation.  However, this new scheme aims to charge around £14 per customer to pay for additional electricity to be generated from diesel.

The government source told us that “If this doesn’t result in a runaway greenhouse effect, I don’t know what will… but we could always try deploying our remaining Trident submarine to nuke the polar icecap!”

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